New Yorker Caption Contests

It has been a while since I posted anything but here are some caption contest comics. There are only two. This is because despite an abundance of New Yorker caption contest comics to choose from there is a lack of Family Circus cartoons online. Maybe it is due to the Family Circus’ median reader age being somewhere in the 80-90’s range. Whatever the reason it is hard to find the captions to go with the comics.

- James

Canada Day Post Right On Time


I visited Halifax for Canada Day and stayed with David although we did not resume our blog’s infancy project of posting something each day. We actually didn’t post anything so I figured I should fill in the gaps.

  • watched world cup

  • tried not to be an embarrassment

  • ate even more stroganof

  • played soccer

  • had Canada Day festivities

  • had okay times with okay people

We (David, his girlfriend and I) went to Alderny Landing in Dartmouth for a free concert. We went for Mother Mother and Scientists of Sound which worked out pretty well. Unfortunately for us, and those participating in a night of fun music, in between the two acts was a band called USS. Before I go into the unpleasantness that we were subjected to I will say that a lot of people around us seemed to genuinely like the music while not being too high or too drunk. I felt bad for those people as we were taking up a fantastic vantage point to see a band that others enjoyed while we were in our own personal hell. We just had a great spot and we wanted to be in that spot to see the next band. By the end of the set we would all agree that it would have been a much better use of our time to leave and come back.

USS stands for Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker which is a perfect band name for people who masturbate while reading The Secret. The band is from Ontario and probably play to the same type of people that listen to Treble Charger, Sum 41 and Simple Plan. Taken from wikipedia: The band is composed of vocalist, guitarist and erhu player Ashley Buchholz and turntablist/hype man Jason “Human Kebab” Parsons. I don’t know who gave Jason his nickname but I doubt they were his friend. I went to their site and listened to some of their songs just in case they weren’t that bad but I had a jaded view of them due to their antics on stage. They are slightly better when you do not have to deal with whatever the fuck their stage show is but they should definitely not be described themselves as: “Nirvana Unplugged but there’s a drum and bass party and glow sticks all around you”. First off that would defeat the purpose of Nirvana Unplugged, second that sounds terrible.

While on stage I will say that they do have a lot of energy although it is wasted on inane shit. It starts off fairly normal for dance music performance. There is terrible dancing while trying to get the crowd amped up as well as clapalongs. The Ol Human Kebab, as the resident hype man, then blows our collective minds as he does a hand stand while playing the turn tables. Well it would have been mind blowing if he did not have to get two stage hands to help him out.

Come one come all and witness the Human Kebab miraculously use one more person than necessary to perform two separate tasks.”

There are two covers played during the USS set and I shit you not one of them is ‘Wonderwall’. I have been waiting for someone to finally cover the greatest Oasis song ever made for years. USS realize that they have to be careful playing the first cover of the most perfect pop song ever recorded. They succeed beyond everyone’s wildest expectations. Belting through the speakers is the original song played loud enough that no one can make out USS playing along. They stumble a bit as a few scratches make their way into the song but USS handled the enormous task of covering ‘Wonderwall’ by ignoring the idea of changing the song in any way.

The cover of ‘Hey Ya’ is not really worth mentioning as it is handled in a similar nature to ‘Wonderwall’. It is however the highlight as it is a fun dance inducing song unlike everything else the band had played.

The whole performance was just one big ridiculous attempt to do cool things and failing miserably. At one point they made Beep smoothies commenting the whole time as if we didn’t remember Beep and that no one knew it was back in stores. Hint: Everyone knew.

By the end of the set David, Andrea and I were looking around shell shocked. No one should be able to go on stage and be so awful at everything they try. No one should spend time and effort with only that to show for it. It was a free concert and I was still looking around for someone to give me my money back. As I stated earlier, it would have been a much better option to have left and came back because now I am aware that USS exists and that people enjoy them.

-James

More Q and A

Anonymous asks:

Have my babies?

Answer:

As long as we can first have sloppy one night stand sex on a pinball machine, according to the movie Rabbit Test that is how a male can become guy pregers. I think this is a possibility because according to Junior “nothing is inconceivable”. Well that is it for my references to movies about male pregnancy. Let’s look ahead to what we are in for with a bun in my oven.

Before we undertake this beautiful journey we should probably get some words of wisdom to help us stay focused.

“A baby is something you carry inside you for nine months, in your arms for three years and in your heart till the day you die”

- Mary Mason

Evidently babies move from your uterus into your arms and finally into the heart where they kill the host mother allowing them to break free of their flesh prison. Babies are scary shit. Hollywood glosses over most of this.

Real footage of a birth:

Scary scary stuff. But I am ready for this. It is a journey we will take together anonymous reader.

“A mother’s joy begins when new life is stirring inside… when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone”

- Unknown

I cannot express how absolutely horrified I am by this. The baby killed this poor women and all that was left was a bloodied diary with no way of knowing who had penned this ominous foreshadowing of events to come.

“Making a decision to have a child—it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body”

- Elizabeth Stone

This brave, brave woman. My thoughts go out to her for her acceptance of things to come. Her baby is out there somewhere with only its bloody prize to keep it warm.

Photo approximation of event:

Just giddy with the memory of its first kill.

After some research I have found out that apparently pregnancies are much safer now. Babies no longer occupy space in a mother’s heart sucking the life from them until they wither into nothingness. They do however come out of a vagina so maybe I will just old school chest burst this sucker out.

Getting pregnant of course starts with the first day of my menstrual cycle, as this will not happen I feel behind already. Now ovulation starts fourteen days after the first day of my menstrual cycle so I will have to guess when that would be for a guy. Being a keener I will start my pregnancy diet on day one. That means I need to up my folic acid intake but I think in a pinch any acid will do.

More advice:

“Start ‘thinking pregnant’ before you conceive so you can give your baby the best start possible.”

I think also not being a man who is pregnant gives your baby a great start. So either think pregnant or be a woman. Solid advice.

My body will start to prepare for the baby which means that my uterus will shed its lining and prepare a lush new bed of blood-rich tissue. Man, babies always have the cutest beds. I think it looks something like this:

Only terrifying.

In the first trimester my body will be going through a lot of changes. These are some things I will experience:

  • Extreme tiredness

  • Tender, swollen breasts. My nipples might also stick out.

  • Upset stomach with or without throwing up

  • Cravings or distaste for certain foods

  • Mood swings

  • Constipation

  • Need to pass urine more often

  • Headache

  • Heartburn

  • Weight gain or loss

According to WebMd I either have hypo/hyperthyroidism or diabetes. Fuck you WebMd I am obviously dude pregnant.

The second trimester is supposed to be the Empire Strikes Back of trimesters. In that it is the best one not that there is a living organism trying to survive inside a dead husk.

I was getting pretty pumped about this trimester and then I had to read about the symptoms:

  • Body aches, such as back, abdomen, groin, or thigh pain

  • Stretch marks on my abdomen, breasts, thighs, or buttocks

  • Darkening of the skin around my nipples

  • A line on the skin running from belly button to pubic hairline

  • Patches of darker skin, usually over the cheeks, forehead, nose, or upper lip. Patches often match on both sides of the face. This is sometimes called the mask of pregnancy, featured here:

      I believe the mask is also used in the conception ritual.

  • Numb or tingling hands, called carpal tunnel syndrome

  • Itching on the abdomen, palms, and soles of the feet.

  • Swelling of the ankles, fingers, and face.

Jesus, it sounds like I turn into a Shallow Hal Gwyneth Paltrow with reverse vitiligo. I could have said fat person as they would have a lot of these symptoms but instead I thought ‘why not give Jack Black a nice surprise when he googles his past movies.’

Well, enough about the second trimester that is old news now. We are onto the third trimester and our fat hairy body is glowing.

This trimester is where most of the magic happens. My body prepares for that moment when cells have multiplied to create new life ready to burst out into the world. Unfortunately those cells multiplying are hemorrhoids and they burst out the anus. In the third trimester I have a pretty solid chance of getting these super awesome bulging masses of tissue and blood vessels.

You know what? Screw this! I don’t care anymore we are not going through this journey. Anonymous you are having my babies and that is final. You get to deal with whatever the fuck all that stuff was. We are having a nice normal pregnancy where the woman goes through all the pain and the only thing the male has to worry about is being with a woman who has fat ankles and hemorrhoids.

Normal pregnancies featured here:

- James

Baby, We’ll Be Fine

Nine months ago I became very accustomed to the newest member of my family. You weren’t always the best behaved but you stood by me through thick and thin. In winter the wind didn’t seem as cold with you along for the ride. To others it may have seemed a weird pairing as I had never done this type of thing before. I had seen others try and fail while with some people it just seemed natural. But alas our time together was as sand in an hour glass. We knew Germany would not win the Euro Cup, as they love choking in major tournaments, so painfully we promised each other; when Germany loses we shall part ways. This is not a farewell but a bitter sweet see you later.

October 2012 - July 2012

Until I grow you again, I’ll always remember the good times.

- James

PS: Was that full of enough worthless cliches for everyone? Sorry for not posting for a while but I am working on another fairly long post. I have been busy shaving or something for pretty much the entire three weeks I haven’t posted anything.

Q and A Time

Well the messages have come pouring in ever since we asked for suggestions and questions. So far we have had two, but one was from a robot so that makes it extra special. Robots of course can sense greatness and it is no accident that this robot has became interested in our blog that some have called “a nice distraction in between masturbating for the third and fourth time in the day”. With a little hard work I believe we can get this blog all the way up to in between the first and second time. But you don’t get to that point without replying to fan mail.

Anonymous asked you:

Summer Bucket-List? Yes?

Summer bucket list is indeed a yes. Mine of course involves a New Years Resolution type of self reflection and betterment. Just kidding mine involves self involved shit that doesn’t matter.

  • Buy stylish swag

  • Eat a whole pot of stroganoff

  • Get drunk and go out without embarrassing myself

  • Write more ridiculous blog posts

  • Read books

  • Read the Atlantic and The New Yorker and feel superior

  • Buy ivory tower

  • Live in ivory tower

  • Thumb nose at masses from ivory tower

  • Wear a colour other than black and grey

  • Visit my brother for once (maybe)

  • Get kind of chubby

  • Run for extended periods of time to stop being chubby

  • Go to the beach

  • Make sure not chubby before going to beach

  • Save a person from drowning

  • Make more lists

Thanks anonymous for the super important question. You are an awesome person and not creepy at all for hiding your identity.

tumblrbot asked you:

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Like all people who are completely normal human beings my first memory is of my birth.

It was like this:

But out the other end, also there was a baby. I hope you were all eating for that.

Well that is it for our question and answer period, David will obviously be answering these questions as well so you can all look forward to that because it is totally going to happen. Send in more questions so you can be horrified by the answers or suggest stupid themes for the blog that we can do.

-James

Batman and the aquarium (super original title)

As with all children who desperately want their parents to die horribly I wanted to be Batman. I don’t know how this came about as my family did not have many comics around and I did not have a television to watch Batman the Animated Series.

The only reason for this could have started in elementary school. Although not a school of particularly high calibre the school did one thing right. The school played Astro Boy and Batman the Animated Series at lunch time. I had to go home for lunch but I always stayed and watched Batman TAS as long as I possibly could without missing lunch. This lead to weird versions of episodes in my mind. Episodes would blend together as they were all only half finished, at best, before I sprinted home.

This meant that I had to re watch the whole series and buy Batman comics later in life, you know, adult stuff. I found out that beyond being a bad ass detective and ninja, Batman also loves the aquarium. Well Batman and his alter ego. I really hope everyone knows this already. Batman’s alter ego is Bruce Wayne. That’s right the billionaire playboy who’s parents died at the hands of a murderous criminal. The one who has a ton of fancy gadgets and no one sees very often outside of his home besides other countries for charity events where Batman just happens to show up. If you did not know this already I bet that came as a huge shock. None of the clues pointed towards Mr Wayne.

Mr Wayne has of course loved the aquarium ever since 1958 (Batman #118) when he was turned into a human fish (probs by real science) and had to be incased in a glass container filled with water. In this comic Batman and Robin also end up capturing criminals at the brand new Gotham aquarium. Mr Wayne obviously built the aquarium and special rooms in the aquarium to attract criminals. That way Mr Wayne could both fight crime and enjoy his other favourite activity, visiting the aquarium. This idea of course backfired as Mr Wayne would not visit the aquarium again until DC’s 1974 comic “Joker’s Five-Way Revenge”. I don’t recall what the other four ways of revenge were, but I’m sure one of the ways was aquarium related. Imagine the sheer unbridled joy as Mr Wayne realized that the mix of sand and oil on the Joker’s boots could have only come from the aquarium!

Only nine years later (Batman Vol 1 #357) Mr Wayne gets the amazing fortune of having a villain show up in Gotham who has his very own aquarium inside his hide out. Not only does the villain have his own aquarium but he lets Batman play with the main exhibit Gertrude. Giant squid are notoriously hard to keep in captivity and the villain was able to keep the squid alive AND give Batman a day he’ll never forget. Mr Wayne must have been all smiles for days on end after that adventure.

Batman’s face after he gets to play inside an aquarium, he is noticeably excited:

Mr Wayne furthers his obsession with aquariums by having a villain who actually worked at an aquarium (Batman #579). Grace Balin becomes the Orca after the aquarium shuts down and of course after an experiment goes horribly wrong. Despite a previous row Batman helps Orca later in the comic probably due to her involvement with aquariums. The death of dozens is on your head Mr Wayne, your crazy head filled with dreams of visiting the aquarium.

Going to the aquarium is not an activity one does alone. As was mentioned earlier Mr Wayne first went to the aquarium with his young ward Robin. They got to see the tanks, go for a swim and solve a crime. But the aquarium isn’t just a humans only activity. Mr Wayne graciously invited Superman to Gotham’s wonderful aquarium (Superman/Batman #28). As Mr Wayne finds it hard to express his emotions when it comes to aquariums he had to create a rouse so he and Superman could enjoy a wonderful day together. Mr Wayne makes up some crackpot tale that people have been attacking him. Mr Wayne then has Titano rampage through Gotham all to culminate in meeting up with the Superman and Dr Phosphorus at the Aquarium. Superman ruins this wonderful day at the aquarium by getting jealous that Batman and Dr Phosphorus are talking and not including the Man of Steel. He breaks a tank that lets out tons of gallons of water to wash Dr Phosphorus away. Despite all the shenanigans Mr Wayne and Superman sure did have an eventful day at the very best place on Earth, the aquarium.

Superman’s reaction when he hears they are going to the aquarium. Batman plays it cool in front of Wonder Woman but inside he is all smiles:

This obsession with aquariums does not just end with comics though. Bruce Wayne gets to visit the aquarium in and out of costume in Batman the Animated Series. To be fair one of the times is an episode based on “Joker’s Five Way Revenge” but if it means more aquarium time for Mr Wayne I’m sure he’s not complaining. Both times involve detective Bullock in some facet. Are Mr Wayne and Bullock secret aquarium buddies? Will Superman learn of this and childishly try to ruin another fantastical day at Gotham aquarium? The answers may surprise you. The answers to both questions is no, Mr Wayne and Bullock are not friends at all and Superman would never make the mistake of messing up another day at the aquarium.

In Batman TAS Mr Wayne just can’t seem to catch a break. No capers are taking place at the aquarium, a known crime hot spot. It seems episode after episode is the same hum drum thing. Giant bats terrorizing Gotham this, my best friend turned into a ridiculous coin flipping villain that. Let’s get some excitement here and go see some amazing fish at the, not ridiculous at all as a crime destination, Gotham aquarium.

I wish I was at the aquarium instead of solving this triple murder suicide :(

Mr Wayne keeps his hopes up though and it all pays off. What seems like another boring mystery as detective Bullock is framed for kidnapping (BTAS Season 1 Episode 23) turns into so much more. And by so much more I mean Mr Wayne gets to go to the aquarium. (2:30 onwards)

Mr Wayne knows all about crocodiles, world’s greatest detective and all, yet he will take any excuse to visit the aquarium’s crocodile exhibit. Another mystery solved by a visit to the aquarium. No, don’t thank Batman detective Bullock, thank the good people down at your local Gotham aquarium for their entertaining and educational exhibits.

When fishermen find that all of Gotham’s fish have been exposed to one of Joker’s toxins (BTAS Season 1 Episode 34) Mr Wayne becomes immediately interested. Not just because he’s Batman and he has to stop the Joker. Not just because of the ramifications of all the fish in Gotham being potentially poisonous. No Mr Wayne gets interested because mystery fish can mean only one thing, AQUARIUM! Here is a fun game to play, spot what Detective Bullock does wrong in this episode.

That’s right, Detective Bullock went to the aquarium without his aquarium buddy. And without an aquarium buddy Detective Bullock got into all sorts of trouble. Batman didn’t even know that the fish was obviously a Japanese fish that could have only come from the aquarium. Mr Wayne was just stopping by the aquarium like he does every night, by driving past at excessive speeds while shooting a grappling hook. It sure was lucky for Detective Bullock that Mr Wayne is an insane person.

I think it is pretty clear that Mr Wayne has two truths that define him as a person. His parents were horribly murdered in front of his eyes and he loves the aquarium.

-James

(Note: I only used Batman instead of Mr Wayne when he was obviously dealing with people that he would not have exposed his identity to. Episodes listed for BTAS are done by production order not broadcast order.)

Brainy

As it was requested here are some more New Yorker caption contest photos with Family Circus lines in them. These are fun to do as it is really simple and reading the family circus is the best. I am not using the word ‘best’ appropriately.

I like the picture itself quite a bit. It frustrated me though as you would think finding a Family Circus relating to dinosaurs would be easy but I couldn’t find a comic.

I enjoy putting in lines that make the speaker seem completely insane.

This line kind of works. It was this or the non sequitur: I want to talk to gramma, but PJ keeps hugging her.

This one made me laugh although it makes no sense.

-James

Think You Can Wait

After a week of living together David and I finished all but two of the events on his bucket list. Those two items being actual activities. Although our day to day blog is finished we will keep it going. Posting when we feel like it rather than it being scheduled. Of course I believe David ascribed to the former through out our time together.

Thanks for reading everyone. And by everyone I mean a select few that I could probably count on my hands.

Later today more caption contests will go up as they have been requested. Think of anything you would like us to do? You can send feed back to us through this site, twitter or facebook. Maybe you would like us to post only as pretentious school children for a week. I could do that. Maybe you want us to start using tags so you can find your favorite posts easier. Scrolling through two pages is tough for everyone.

-James

Mistaken for Strangers

Last night was the type of outing where I was not sad that my girlfriend was away from the city. Not to say I dislike my girlfriend or anything but sometimes a night is meant for single people.

As all good nights should this one began with wine. Well wine and pork tenderloin wrapped in bacon. David and I decided after much consideration to hit up a going away party. As it was eleven and all other liquor stores were closed we had to hoof it to the waterfront for bishops cellar which, bless their heart, stays open until twelve. We made the right decision by going with gin again as we obviously forgot how last Saturday went.

Onward we went to the party. Stopping at Mcdonalds for cups so we had something to do on the walk. Drink, that was the something to do on the walk. As we neared the party it was pretty apparent that this was going to be a fun evening. It was in the air. After a week of bad weather the night was warm. People were out.

The party itself consisted of two parts. Downstairs apartment where live music was being played and people were having a black out dance party. Upstairs where people were mingling and getting to know each other. Filling our glasses we headed downstairs.

It was everything a warm spring party should be. People were happy and dancing. Falling in love on the dance floor and falling out of it just as quickly. The dresses were out and a flirtatious energy swept through the party. It is what is actually good about being single. Meeting new people while the endless possibilities of summer love are ahead. It was the type of party where you can almost see the cares of a long week drip onto the dance floor.

David and I could only watch as this party was driven to the tipping point. It is that moment where all that flirtatious energy mixes with too much to drink and the DJ starts playing one jam after another to get everyone mixing on the dance floor. What was cute is now making out on the couch, that energy is now a handy in the bathroom. It was at this point that David and I took our leave.

It was a very fun party and I had a blast but it is the type of party that leaves taken people watching from the side lines. We can have our dinners and our brunches but that giddy excitement of watching that girl walk in with a dress that makes jaws drop belongs to our single friends. The night was for them and I hope they made the most of it before the hang over sets in.

-James

Secret Meeting

I have spent today looking at New Yorker caption contests and old family circus cartoons and combining them so people who have no sense of humor and people who believe they have a sense of humor can finally be friends.